Lonely in Marriage – What Does It Mean and How to Fix It?

Goda Brzozauskaite
  • Apr 04, 2022
  • 5 min read
portrait of poor mature couple in love indoors at home

The truth is that feeling lonely is not something only single people experience. Many people all over the world feel lonely in marriage. The truth is that marriage alone is not a remedy for solving loneliness.

If you feel like you live with a housemate rather than a spouse, all sorts of feelings can emerge, such as confusion, inadequacy, and above all – feeling totally alone. Friends and family may find it increasingly difficult to relate to your unique experiences. This may cause you to isolate yourself even further from everybody, resulting in you feeling even more lonely.

Therefore, the cycle of loneliness continues and even has a tendency to get worse. Understanding the signs and causes could be a tremendous help. Plus, there are tons of things you can do – all hope is not lost. 

Does It Mean That Relationships Are Over?

Firstly it is fair to say that if marriage cured loneliness, there would be no divorce. Divorce may not end your loneliness. The psychological impact of divorce can take years to work through. The good news is that it does not have to come to that.

Instead of jumping to conclusions and expecting the worst, trying some simple techniques at first can really help not feel lonely while married. It may not always be easy to admit the signs are there, but if you can do this, you are taking a step in the right direction.

Signs of Being Lonely in Marriage

You feel alone in your problems

One of the telling signs is that you feel totally alone. You may feel like your problems are overwhelming and that nobody will ever understand you. You may keep all your struggles, insecurities to yourself. You won't even think to ever share these with your partner. You feel alone in a marriage.

You spend most of your free time alone

Spending most of your free time alone could mean a few things. Not only does it indicate loneliness, but it also means that you could be isolated by choice. You may feel that life is better alone, and you may have pushed others away.

You don't connect sexually

If you are not being intimate with your partner, this could be a cause of concern. The lack of physical intimacy and affection can make you feel very lonely. You may feel undesired, unattractive, confused, depressed, and all of these feelings can lead to loneliness.

You spend more time apart than you do together

If you actively avoid each other, then this is a sign. Alternatively, if you find that you spend more time alone than you do together as a couple, then this is a sign that causes loneliness in a marriage.

What Are the Fundamental Causes of Feeling Lonely in Marriage?

Studies have shown that being married can result in a sense of well-being. In fact, when you feel at one with your significant other, it can even increase longevity. One of the fundamental goals of a good marriage is to feel that you are not alone.

Unfortunately, more often than not, loneliness can occur. This makes the wedding vows to be there for each other lose meaning. However, if we can identify what causes loneliness, we are better equipped to deal with it.

Growing apart

Growing apart is one of the biggest causes of loneliness in marriage. This may not be due to anyone's fault but rather due to human changes. It is completely normal to change as we evolve and get older. Growth and self-discovery are important for all of us. In many cases, after a few years of being together, you may find that you have grown apart. It can almost seem like you are married to a different person, and this can lead to loneliness.

Financial issues

Financial issues are actually a huge reason why couples get divorced. Finances are extremely important in any relationship that can really make or break it. There are tons of reasons why money issues can make you feel totally alone and isolated. If one partner is earning more money, the other one can feel shame, guilt, and loneliness as a result.

Parenting difficulties

Once you have children, your relationship changes forever. There are often times when you may take on different roles with parenting. One partner may need to look after the children, while the other may need to work. You could potentially have different ideals and values on raising your children, and this, of course, could lead to spending time alone in marriage.

Life stress

More often than not, life throws curveballs at you. The stress of day-to-day life can become overwhelming. It is extremely common for couples to stop communicating. It may often feel that there is too little time, and your marriage takes a “back seat” over other priorities. This can make a person feel extremely alone.

What to Do if You Are Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage?

When you feel lonely in a marriage, it may feel everlasting. There is some good news, which is that there are things you can do. You do not need to feel like this, and this too shall pass. It may feel overwhelming right now but hang in there, as things can change for the better.

Here are some actionable tips for you to do:

1. Schedule a date night

One of the best ways to feel connected again is to start spending quality time together. Although life may be stressful, scheduling a date night can really bring the spark back into your marriage. Make sure to put this in your calendars and do something special, just the two of you.

2. Start communicating more

One of the reasons why marriage can feel lonely is when communication is broken. One of the methods used to fix this is to communicate more. This may feel uncomfortable initially, but it will be worth it. Instead of expecting your partner to be a “mind reader”, say things out loud. Sit down with your spouse and mention how lonely you are feeling. Give your spouse the opportunity to make changes and acknowledge your feelings.

3. Share memories

One of the best things you can do is share memories. There are many ways to share memories, which may help combat loneliness.

Bring up positive moments from the past. Print out some old photos and place them creatively around your home. Sharing positive memories together is a great way to remember the good times and re-establish the bond.

4. Grow your friendship circles

Spending more time with friends together can really help strengthen your relationship. It may feel like you are doomed at times, but having mutual friends can help. You should build up some mutual friendships with other couples and individual friendships. If you feel that you have true friends you can lean on and have fun with, you won't be so dependent on your partner to fulfill your social needs.

5. Make the big decisions together

Decide together if your marriage can be saved. If you are able to sit down together and decide if your marriage can be worked on, then this may be the first step. If both parties are prepared and willing to make changes, then this is a positive thing. If you can both agree to disagree about certain things, then you are halfway there.

6. Attend therapy and consider online therapy

Attending marriage counseling together is a great way to work on your relationship. It can really help not only save your marriage but also reduce feelings of loneliness. Working with a registered and experienced couples therapist can offer you the guidance, insight, clarity, and objective perspective both of you may need.

Remember that therapy is a good thing, and it has helped to change people's lives. There are different forms of therapy, but couples counseling is generally going to be the most helpful.

Online therapy may be a great option for you, as it can be done from your own home and place of comfort. You will not need to spend any extra time traveling.

Online therapy can be done in the form of couples counseling with both partners. Otherwise, you can also seek individual therapy. Some couples prefer to attend online couples counseling plus individual online counseling

Bottom Line

It is important to remember that although you may feel lonely in marriage, you are not alone. There is and always will be hope, regardless of the outcome. There are tons of actionable tips you can follow, which may really help.

There are plenty of amazing, highly-qualified, experienced, and empathic therapists available to help you. If you are interested in individual therapy for couples, we can connect you with a licensed online therapist on the same day. 

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