How to Love Yourself After a Breakup

Goda Brzozauskaite
  • Jan 21, 2022
  • 5 min read
breakups are hard to take

“Will anyone love me?” “ Will I ever get over this breakup?” are some of the common questions newly singles ask themselves. Getting over a breakup is challenging, but it can be done. And someone will love you.

But first, you need to love yourself more!

Whether your partner has left you or it was your decision to end the relationship, there are a lot of emotions and thoughts that get stirred up after a breakup. You might find yourself thinking that you are not worth being loved, or you could have done more to keep the spark going. 

All those intense emotions are entirely normal. 

That feeling of being unloved sometimes results in one losing the much-needed self-love. Breakups are part of life, and they should not be the reason why you think you are unlovable. Loving yourself is a big step towards getting over a breakup. 

Read on and find out how to get over a breakup and love yourself. 

Why Is It Hard to Love Yourself After a Breakup?

Did you know that breakups have similar neurological effects as those experienced when a drug user stops taking drugs?

When we are in a relationship, we get validation from our partners, and that makes us feel good and reminds us of all our most lovable traits. Our self-love constantly increases because of these validations. 

When in love, we become vulnerable. Our partners have access to all aspects of our lives. This includes the wins and the losses, the strengths and the weaknesses. We give the people we love access to almost everything about ourselves, and that grants them some level of power over us. 

We go on adventures, try new things, and grow with these people. As we spend as much time as possible with our significant others, they become part of our identity and our story.  

Sometimes relationships end abruptly, and it sort of crushes our self-esteem at that moment. When on the other side of the conversation, we see the flaws in the relationship, and our love for the other person dies slowly over time until we finally break up. Despite where we stand, after a breakup, we often start finding fault in ourselves. 

Consequently, it becomes difficult for us to love ourselves. This is a normal response to a breakup as we know we are no longer loved, or we no longer love someone who was a big part of our lives not too long ago. 

There are certain things you can do to help you remedy this overwhelming feeling of failing to love yourself and understand how to love yourself after a breakup.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

It’s no doubt that breakups are really hard. Humans are emotional beings, and it is absolutely fine for us to feel pain and go through heartaches. 

Experiencing grief is an important part of dealing with a breakup. You would have lost someone who was a part of your life, so the natural human response is to feel pain. Sadly, we live in a society where expressing pain is viewed as a weakness. 

We are not always comfortable expressing our need for space so that we can grieve. But, the importance of grief can not be overemphasized especially considering the secondary effects of breakups. Grieving allows us to deal with the breakup and minimize losses such as poor academic/work performance, loss of self-love, an altered sense of self, and loss or alteration of goals and dreams. 

It is important for you to find a way of grieving that works best for you. For many people, writing down their feelings helps them identify and acknowledge the existence of those “uncomfortable” feelings. This identification makes it easy to grieve. 

Keep the Distance

When dealing with a breakup, we often find ourselves keeping an eye on our exes. 

Sadly, this does us no good. One way to effectively figure out how to love yourself after a breakup is to set and uphold firm boundaries.

Maintain physical and emotional distance. This is not to say two people who used to be in love can not be friends. Should you decide to be friends, then eliminate all aspects of your relationship that do not fit in the friendship category. 

It is also important to firmly communicate your need for space. When your ex-partner contacts you, be comfortable enough to remind them that you still need some time to yourself. This firmness will ensure that the established boundaries are respected, allowing you a chance to love yourself after a breakup. 

Almost all social media platforms have the “block” or “unfollow” button. When you can’t resist checking your ex’s social media platforms, you can always block, unfollow, or archive their pages. That reduces the temptation to check what they are up to. 

Try to Let Go

After a heartbreak, you can find it difficult to stop thinking about all the good memories you shared or all the plans you made. All that is normal, and it is part of being human, but, like with many other things in life, relationships end, and we have to let go. 

When trying to love yourself more after a breakup, it is important to realize that the relationship is over and you need to move on. This acceptance does not invalidate the good experiences you had while in the relationship. 

The heartache that we experience after a breakup is similar to physical pain and can result in serious issues such as depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Accepting that the relationship has ended will help reduce these secondary physical effects of heartbreaks. 

Putting away all the stuff that reminds you of your partner is also another great way to help you let go. This is not to say you need to throw away or burn anything that is associated with your ex-partner. Rather, just pack away things like gifts and pictures that remind you of them so that you don’t have to constantly see them. 

The breakup does not make you less civil, so, If they had left some belongings at your place, pack them up and once the two of you no longer need personal space, remind your ex that you have their belongings. If they no longer want the stuff, you can always give it away. 

Keep Yourself Busy 

Relationships can take up so much of your time (not in a bad way). You will likely spend most of your free time with your significant other doing some fun things. That leaves you with less time to try out new things on your own. 

After a breakup, you will likely have more time on your hands, and trying new activities or doing things you love will give your brains time to ruminate.  

Take this time to do the things you love or have always wanted to try. It could be picking up a new hobby, learning a new language, reading a certain book/book series, or traveling to certain parts of the world. This will be a great way to express love to yourself. 

Keeping yourself busy means you won’t spend all your free time sulking and thinking about the past relationship or scrolling through social media and seeing the seemingly picture-perfect couples. 

Practice Self-Love

Breakups can impact your self-esteem and even make you love yourself less than you did before. 

Therefore, having a self-care routine is recommended when figuring out how to love yourself after a breakup. You should make it a point that every day you do something that makes you happy and helps you process your feelings. 

While you are at a point where you sometimes feel worthless and like a failure, try to always give yourself credit for even the little things. You also need to be confident enough to acknowledge your successes. One of the best ways to do so successfully is to journal. This allows you to keep track of the things you are grateful for each day. 

Remember to make your health a priority by maintaining a good diet and exercise regimen. This will boost your endorphins and help you effectively deal with the breakup. Meditation is yet another form of self-care that will likely help you focus on the positive things around you.

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

Sometimes, it is difficult to deal with a breakup on your own. That is when therapy comes into play. 

When you feel really bad or experience something like situational depression, talking to a therapist will help. Your therapist will work with you and figure out the kind of therapy that will be the most effective for you. 

It will allow you to explore and clearly understand your feelings and how you can improve them. Therapy will help you get a new perspective on how you perceive the breakup, and that will help you fall in love with yourself even more. 

Online therapy is a very comfortable option to reach for help as it can be done from the comfort of your home. Your therapist will always be there for you, and you will have more freedom to adjust your schedule to what best suits you. 

Remember, seeking help does not mean you are weak. We are here for you! We have a team of online counselors who are equipped to assist you on a journey towards loving yourself. 

Don’t Give Up on Love

Lastly, just because your previous relationship didn’t work out does not mean you should give up on love. You will fall in love again. Despite the breakup, all your dreams relating to relationships are valid, and they will come true. Once you are ready, you can go out there, and you will likely meet someone who will be compatible with you. 

But, before you allow someone to love you, remember to love yourself first. When you are not sure where to start or when you feel like all your efforts are going in vain, online therapy is a great starting point. 

At DoMental, your well-being is our priority. Our well-trained team of professionals is able to assist you in dealing with a breakup through online counseling despite your location.

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